After my own recent ramblings about the choices for women in America, I was interested to happen upon this article in New York Magazine, The Bad Mommy Brigade, which takes as its starting point the relief many mothers apparently feel from watching Britney Spear's failures with her own little boys. The author, Aylet Waldman, had her 15 minutes a few years ago when confessing in the Times that she loved her husband more than her children- and was vilified for her "selfishness" by all the "perfect" mothers of NYC.
In researching her article, Waldman takes a casual survey of her peers- middle class women in their 30s and 40s- asking them to define Good and Bad mothers and fathers. I recognized the saintly Good Mother answers for all the unrealistic, but somehow commonplace, expectations they conjure:
“She remembers to serve fruit at breakfast, is always cheerful and never yells, manages not to project her own neuroses onto her children, volunteers in the community, remembers to make playdates, her children’s clothes fit, and she does art projects with them and enjoys their games. And she is never too tired for sex.”
One of the common threads through the article is this idea that a Good Mother not only sacrifices all for her children, but she loves doing it. As much satisfaction as I get from making life good for Clio, this picture of perfection is never going to be me. (It's never going to be anyone I know.)
You know what? I wish someone had asked me to describe these roles, the Good and Bad parents, before I read the article and got someone else's ideas into my head. I have plenty of failings and insecurities, but I truly think I am a good mom, that Dave and I are good parents, despite sending Clio to day care, never cutting her fingernails, letting her out of the house without mittens, and sometimes just letting her have what she wants (even if we shouldn't). The disturbing thing is--and Waldman gets at this--if I had been part of her survey, in describing the Good Mother I bet I wouldn't have described myself.
Read the article and let me know what you think.
2 comments:
I think you are a good mom too, Heather. I think all of the moms I know are good moms, but I also get that it is really hard for women to escape the cycle of comparing ourselves to others or idealizing some unrealistic standard. This kind of problem seems to follow women through all stages of development. I'm sure we all remember the "mean girls" form our childhood or adolescence. Maybe we even remember being the mean girl at times -gasp! This seems to be such a part being female in our culture (Lord help those of us raising daughters). I have no idea if this is biological, totally socialized, or some combo, but it is sure pervasive.
In my opinion, the term "good/bad mother" is about as useful as the term "good/bad child". Does anyone really think they have a bad child? I doubt it. I agree with the article's author. We'd all best give ourselves and one another a break.
The article resonated with me.
It made me wonder if the experience of having a baby in NY is different than of having one elsewhere in the country. It’s such a densely populated area, and there’s a notable baby boom, and especially in areas like PS, there are so many children that the culture of parenting seems to be actively considered in a very deliberate way. But maybe this happens elsewhere too, but since we are in NY it has more of a voice?
In terms of where I fall within this article, I think I feel that as long as the baby is loved and nurtured, the specifics (Stay at home, daycare, number of baths, types of clothes, kind of discipline etc…) are really not that important. I also think a good mother or father is a happy mother/father. What that looks like is different for different people.
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