Halcyon Days

Today, Eleri went to Day Care for a few hours while I headed to school for my first day as Teacher. It's funny, handing Clio over two years ago was a traumatic event, but I expected today to be easy. With Clio, everything was harder because it was so new. I had no idea what to expect from a Day Care, and what was "normal" did not seem remotely good enough for my kid; I didn't know how to navigate the very strange relationship of simply handing your child over to a stranger and disappearing.

When the time came with Clio, we had arranged to do a short visit to acclimate her to a new environment (and to get me used to the idea without panicking.) I walked the very long two blocks from my house to theirs, and encountered the worst case scenario: Miriam was alone with a half dozen crying kids, and I remember there seemed to be dirty diapers everywhere (now, with just two in diapers, I understand the near impossibility of keeping on top of it at all times). Part of me wanted to turn on my heel and flee, but I knew that I had few options: most day care centers in brooklyn don't take 3 month olds, and the ones that do have high fees or long waiting lists. I was scheduled to return to work the following week, and I had no back up plan. I remember sneaking into the hallway and calling Dave, whispering to him in panic "we can't leave her here!"

As always, he talked me off the ledge and I went back in and sat down. Miriam did her best to entertain me in her not-great English, all the while seeming unconcerned by the noisy children around her.

Ultimately, it was a leap of faith for us to leave Clio in her care and come back 8 hours later. We know and love Miriam now, and thanks to two years of building trust the transaction was much simpler this time: I handed over Eleri's diaper bag, gave instructions about the milk, then handed over the baby herself, pretty businesslike. Miriam checked her over and pointed out a red mark on her head- it felt somehow like the damage check you do on rental vehicles before driving them off the lot. But walking away, I felt a little sad that no one looked back to make sure I was okay, and closing the front door behind me, I felt a little teary. When I came home tonight, Eleri smelled like "Titi's House", a scent I can identify because Clio carries it with her daily. It strikes me as odd that children should have a foreign smell, that they spend enough time in someone else's house to carry it with them instead of their own. It made me realize that this is the beginning of a major change.

For eight weeks, Eleri has spent most of her time attached to me, nursing, riding in the bjorn, or kicking me in her sleep (we've been sharing the guestroom's full sized bed, and it's shocking how much space a 10 lb baby can command); soon enough, she will spend most of her waking hours under someone else's care, and I will go back to my daytime life of answering the needs of many grownups, rather than those of two small children.

I have enjoyed my time home with her so much more than with Clio- partly because she's an easier baby, but mostly because I'm easier in my role as mom. Tomorrow, Clio starts school, and life just gets more complicated from there. I already feel like August was made up of halcyon days, and they slipped past me when I wasn't looking. It just makes me realize how quickly it goes, and I want to gaze forever at this little baby before she gets too big for me to hold against my chest with just one hand.